When you wake up and the first thought on your mind is the person you don’t really want to remember.

Sooner or later, you will see this post and there’s just a few more things I wanted to tell you (Yes, there’s a few more after a lot of 10-page sms I’ve already sent you)

You are still my first thought when I wake up or when I go to sleep. I wonder where you are, if you are awake, if you got home safe. It usually comes with an attempt to send you a message which I end up deleting after seeing that I might emotionally harass you again.

I still think about you, more than I actually should. That’s pretty much self explanatory.

I miss you, every single fvcking goddamn thing. Yes, including the stuff that pisses me off. I miss having to wait in Central because you are late because you are still blow drying your hair. I miss how you would virtually never let go of my hand, no matter the time, place or situation. Remember the model in the Globe billboard somewhere along Quiapo who looks exactly like you? I don’t look at it anymore, I consciously put my head down when I pass by that road because I don’t think I can take seeing you smile like that to me.

I wish I could tell you that I was better off, that I am happier now and that I think this was the right thing to do.  But I can’t; I still question myself every single day.

I wish I could tell you we could just ditch everything and go back. I honestly miss the times when I was genuinely happy, when I didn’t have to put on a fake smile for the world to see. They all tell me, “hey you look good with your hair… blah blah” but to be honest, when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t really know who is looking back at me.

But above all, I wish you are okay, and that you are happy or at least trying. Nothing means more to me than to see you happy, than to see you getting the life I deprived you of. Seeing you go out with your friends, the ones you lost because of me makes me so happy. Even your new found love in Surfing, I actually admire. Let me save up for your first surfboard. Okay Redge, that wasn’t exactly the best idea.

Maybe we will move on, eventually; everyone does but I don’t think I will ever forget you. That isn’t exactly a healthy thought but there’s this gaping hole in my heart, like a spot of a tooth that fell off, that I continually feel with my tongue and realize that there’s just empty space. I always thought that one morning I will wake up and it wouldn’t hurt as much anymore, well that morning seems so far off for me right now.